Loved you from the start

Sometimes God says no....and it hurts.


That day will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life...The day I held my precious son, a sacred gift given and taken from us to early. A flood of emotions that day when we came to realize it was the last day we would get to smell his sweet innocence, hear his unique beating heart, sing and whisper love to him, pray over him, to have hope that he would get better, a day where we realized we would fight for his body no longer and not because we had given up, but because it was in Gods will for his life.

Floods of emotions as I held him and his life faded through my fingers. Feelings of anger, deep unexplained sorrow, peace, relief, then it would cycle all over again. He was gone to quickly, I was not prepared to say my goodbyes that day, I was not ready to give him back to the God, I JUST GOT HIM. I remember how hard I fought to get him here and now I have to give him back to you God! Why?!

But He knew what He was doing that day, when He aligned everything just the way He intended. Only He could orchestrate such a perfect crowd of hand selected Doctors, Nurses, Family, only He could ensure our support system was there the moment we stepped out of that final meeting with fear and sadness in our hearts, only He knew that day we wouldn't dedicate him in the comfort of our church like we did with his sisters but in the comfort of my arms, intimate and safe. Only He knew that there would be no one in that last pod they used as storage so that we could be together as a family to say goodbye to him, to say a family prayer over him, only He knew He would paint the most beautiful rainbow after Bennett passed but that I wouldn't come to knowledge of it until months after, only He knows whats best for me, Only He knows the depths of my soul, Only He can love me with such a passion.

I recognize myself most day and there are days where I don't know who I am, I see myself from the outside, lost, my soul sometimes dry and empty, humor that masks my pain but somehow brings peace and clarity. Days where I wish I could stay in that dream of him and I just a little longer, where it would feel real because honestly, nothing is. My life changed a year ago...trauma. God rocked my soul, comforted me, and showed me his sovereignty. In the midst of my humanness I feel God meet me here, I feel him gently (in only the way he can) comfort me still allowing me to feel, cry, laugh, be mad, then be grateful.

The most painful part is the unknown and curiosity of what Bennett would be doing now. What our family would look like with him. Would I be working with him on eating or would he need a g-tube? Would he be reaching milestones when the doctors swore he wouldn't? But on the other side, I am blessed to be able to still be apart of the lives of Bennett's brothers and sisters of his syndromes and I get to see the beauty and innocence of those amazing children. Just thinking about them moves me to tears. I thank God for those relationships, connections.

A few months back I was reading the bible and after snapping out of whatever trance I was in, I look down to see a figure of me walking and God is gently holding my shoulders as He was leading me down a rocky path with Him. I am thankful for that God moment because it was then that He revealed to me that I was never walking on a path to Him but WITH him. That whatever circumstances in life happen, He created them for me and He was never doing anything to me. A picture of his sovereignty.


This year has been one heck of a journey. Good days filled with a lot of bad but here I am, still so in love and sold out for God. For his peace and love and most of all His understanding. I love that He loves me the way I am and meets me where I am at. He does not try to change me because He created me wholly in His image. I am alive because He loved me enough to give His life so that I could have eternal life with Him because of the cross and because of His sacrifice. So I can continue to have hope during times where it feels hopeless. That He is NEVER on the other side of my pain and I need to to reach him to find healing yet He is right next to me guiding me, healing me, if only I choose to trust him in the good, bad and ugly.

My sweet Bennett,

Not a day goes by where I don't wish you and I could be back in that place with just us two, in Gods peace with no fear of the future because we were together and you were safe. My heart is missing a beat, its where yours was. I know you are being well cared for until I can hold you again. Until I can kiss you again. Nothing makes my selfish heart more happy that you are no longer in pain, that you are complete and happy. I just wish all of those things were with me, daddy and your sissy's. I love you my strong innocent boy. Thank you for holding on as you could so we could be together if even just for a moment.

I love you son, Always and forever I will carry you.

Mama

Please listen and be anointed by this.

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~Special Thank You's~

-A BIG thank you to Beth Stafford Photography for being apart of our day and coming to capture those moments. I cant thank you enough for all you have done for us throughout our journey! You have a heart of gold and I am grateful to call you friend!

-To my husband, I love you more than I could ever express or show you. You have been a rock in the hard times, and you keep us moving forward each day, our motivation to continue our crazy days.

-To our families, Thank you for being apart of our celebration weekend in memory of Bennett, it was a time for us all to gather, to relax and just be together, as we were that day when we said our final goodbyes to Bennett. We made memories, and no matter what happens in life, I am so blessed to have each and every one of you apart of my life.

-To my faithful friends old and new, Thank you for being there for me whenever I need you. Whether to laugh or cry. If it is for late night adventures when my body and brain refuse to shut down, thank you!

and last but not least, to YOU (reading this)....

Thank you for taking this journey with me. I hope that through Bennett's life you can remember how sweet it is. How short it is. That you can restore your faith in God if it has been lost. That you remember that you can face any storm, ANY CIRCUMSTANCE big or small if you have God in your heart, that all of your hope is in Him. I pray that no one is having to mourn a loss of their child alone and without a faith in a God that will reunite you two together someday. If that is you, please reach out to me and I will pray with you and encourage you just as the Lord has encouraged me. This road traveled is different for everyone and I want everyone to know there is no "right or wrong way" to mourn and grieve. The most important thing to remember is God is sovereign, He is with you and He is for you, seek Him with all your heart and you will find Him.

"There in the sorrow and the dancing"

Gods Grace really struck me last night as my husband and I were putting our little's to bed. As we lay their silently to calm them down for the night. I was stroking Brooklynn's hair and thanking God for all of these pieces of my heart together in one room and missing our son which is an unspoken every second moment. We always play worship music for them to sleep to, only fitting in this house considering how much we love music and what a big roll it has played in our lives and more fitting in this last year.  Matt Redman's "Your Grace finds me" comes on and I silently start to cry. Every word of this song is anointed with truth about Gods Grace and it served in this moment as a reminder of the physically absence of our boy.

 

It's there in the newborn cry
It's there in the light of every sunrise
It's there in the shadows of this light
Your great grace

 

It's there on the mountaintop
It's there in the everyday and the mundane
There in the sorrow and the dancing
Your great grace
Oh, such grace

 

From the creation to the cross
Then from the cross into eternity
Your grace finds me
Yes, Your grace finds me

 

It's there on a wedding day
There in the weeping by the graveside
There in the very breath we breathe
Your great grace

Same for the rich and poor
Same for the saint and for the sinner
Enough for this whole wide world
Your great grace
Oh, such grace

 

From the creation to the cross
Then from the cross into eternity
Your grace finds me
Yes, Your grace finds me

There in the darkest night of the soul
There in the sweetest songs of victory
Your grace finds me
Yes, Your grace finds me

 

Your great grace
Oh, such grace
Your great grace
Oh, such grace

 

So I'm breathing in Your grace
And I'm breathing out Your praise
I'm breathing in Your grace
Forever I'll be
Breathing in Your grace
And I'm breathing out Your praise
I'm breathing in Your grace
And I'm breathing out Your praise
Breathing in Your grace
For our God, for our God

 

Yes, Your grace finds me
Yes, Your grace finds me

 

 

Everyday is a battle after the loss of something so precious in life. Yes I smile, Yes I laugh, Yes I cry, Yes I get sad. Its all apart of moving forward when you lost a piece of your heart along the way. I do get numb and have to remind myself in that second to "choose joy". People often ask "How I do it", I don't. I don't have a magic pill that I take each morning that magically makes my life easier...wouldn't that be the answer to all of life's hurts. The answer is No, as convenient as it sounds. In loss, you have to go through the highs and lows and the daily lessons and reminders. You don't get to forget, I don't get to pretend that when I get out of the shower each day that I don't see my c-section scar starring back at me that reminds me of the emptiness it brings. I don't get to hold a sweet newborn baby and not forget that I had one of these blessings too. I don't see buttons the same, everywhere I go a button reminds me of his life, a life that I don't get to raise. I cant walk into OHSU and walk the halls and smell that particular smell without having a flashback. But I do get to do all of these things knowing that Gods Grace is sufficient and in all of these memories, painful or joyful that God is my steadfast and faithful strength.

 

"Don't look to the right or the left, keep your eyes on me. You will not be shaken, you will not be moved"

 

I cant allow my circumstance to stop me from enjoying the blessings around me. I GET to go and visit a friend with a newborn and CHOOSE JOY in that moment because its not about ME, its about complete happiness for that new exhausted parent. I GET to visit my nicu mamas that walked my journey and only have complete and udder joy for them when I hold their miracles, I GET to laugh, I GET to feel, I CHOOSE to live life after loss.

 

"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born"