"There in the sorrow and the dancing"

Gods Grace really struck me last night as my husband and I were putting our little's to bed. As we lay their silently to calm them down for the night. I was stroking Brooklynn's hair and thanking God for all of these pieces of my heart together in one room and missing our son which is an unspoken every second moment. We always play worship music for them to sleep to, only fitting in this house considering how much we love music and what a big roll it has played in our lives and more fitting in this last year.  Matt Redman's "Your Grace finds me" comes on and I silently start to cry. Every word of this song is anointed with truth about Gods Grace and it served in this moment as a reminder of the physically absence of our boy.

 

It's there in the newborn cry
It's there in the light of every sunrise
It's there in the shadows of this light
Your great grace

 

It's there on the mountaintop
It's there in the everyday and the mundane
There in the sorrow and the dancing
Your great grace
Oh, such grace

 

From the creation to the cross
Then from the cross into eternity
Your grace finds me
Yes, Your grace finds me

 

It's there on a wedding day
There in the weeping by the graveside
There in the very breath we breathe
Your great grace

Same for the rich and poor
Same for the saint and for the sinner
Enough for this whole wide world
Your great grace
Oh, such grace

 

From the creation to the cross
Then from the cross into eternity
Your grace finds me
Yes, Your grace finds me

There in the darkest night of the soul
There in the sweetest songs of victory
Your grace finds me
Yes, Your grace finds me

 

Your great grace
Oh, such grace
Your great grace
Oh, such grace

 

So I'm breathing in Your grace
And I'm breathing out Your praise
I'm breathing in Your grace
Forever I'll be
Breathing in Your grace
And I'm breathing out Your praise
I'm breathing in Your grace
And I'm breathing out Your praise
Breathing in Your grace
For our God, for our God

 

Yes, Your grace finds me
Yes, Your grace finds me

 

 

Everyday is a battle after the loss of something so precious in life. Yes I smile, Yes I laugh, Yes I cry, Yes I get sad. Its all apart of moving forward when you lost a piece of your heart along the way. I do get numb and have to remind myself in that second to "choose joy". People often ask "How I do it", I don't. I don't have a magic pill that I take each morning that magically makes my life easier...wouldn't that be the answer to all of life's hurts. The answer is No, as convenient as it sounds. In loss, you have to go through the highs and lows and the daily lessons and reminders. You don't get to forget, I don't get to pretend that when I get out of the shower each day that I don't see my c-section scar starring back at me that reminds me of the emptiness it brings. I don't get to hold a sweet newborn baby and not forget that I had one of these blessings too. I don't see buttons the same, everywhere I go a button reminds me of his life, a life that I don't get to raise. I cant walk into OHSU and walk the halls and smell that particular smell without having a flashback. But I do get to do all of these things knowing that Gods Grace is sufficient and in all of these memories, painful or joyful that God is my steadfast and faithful strength.

 

"Don't look to the right or the left, keep your eyes on me. You will not be shaken, you will not be moved"

 

I cant allow my circumstance to stop me from enjoying the blessings around me. I GET to go and visit a friend with a newborn and CHOOSE JOY in that moment because its not about ME, its about complete happiness for that new exhausted parent. I GET to visit my nicu mamas that walked my journey and only have complete and udder joy for them when I hold their miracles, I GET to laugh, I GET to feel, I CHOOSE to live life after loss.

 

"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born"