A few weeks ago on a night like most have been since Bennett's passing, after my husband and kids are sleeping. I cried, and looked at pictures of Bennett and I on our last day together. It is always emotional but sometimes its hard to process life and our circumstances until I lay my head on the pillow at night and allow my body and mind to rest from the hustle and bustle of the day to grieve. So I did that. The day was no different than any other but I was just feeling a little empty, my arms empty. I know His spirit is with me always, that He loves me, His strength is present and His grace is sufficient but this night I needed something tangible. I know God knows my heart and knows everything I need but sometimes I need to speak it with my mouth. so on that night, with all sincerity in my heart, in brokenness asked the Lord to show me a sign that he cares for me and that He was still by my side. Told him that I know that this journey had a purpose and I understood that but I needed to just be human for a min and attempt rationalize something that couldn't be rationalized. Because his ways are not mine. I didn't ask why? I just asked for something, to ask if He loved me and if He was still listening. It was a rough night to say the least. I will admit waking the next morning that I felt a little ridiculous, like a drama queen asking the Lord this. Who am I? But I did feel a weight lifted by confessing my sincere feelings to God and was ready to start the day choosing Joy despite our new found circumstances.
At church that Sunday, I had a beautiful young woman by the name of Claudia, who i regretfully do not know well, approached me with two other ladies from the church. She had a beautiful bouquet of white roses...I mean a lot of white roses in a stunning vase. She pulled me aside as nervous as ever. She gathered her thoughts and confessed that she didn't know why she was giving me these roses but she was prompted by the Holy Spirit to do so. It didn't make sense to me at the time either but of course I accepted them with open arms. She had her friend translate for her because her comfort level for praying was in Spanish. Which I happen to understand a little, but not when I am a crying hot mess. haha. As she began to pray over me, it was just a moment of me asking the Lord in his time to reveal to me what these meant and thanking God for her and the gift. After she concluded her prayer, her friend translated to me what Claudia heard from the Lord to me. (AS tears stream down my face at this very moment) the Lord told her that these flowers were for me, a gift, to show me how much He cares for me and how much He loves me. That He understands what I am going through and that He hand picked me for this journey. to be strong. That He knows that it may feel like a long time until I see Bennett again but to keep holding on because it is not. That I am his beloved and he wanted to show me that today through this gift. That He is there for me, that He is my strength and Peace and all I have to do is ask.
I was in shock. In tears and grateful for the gift (but still not comprehending). It wasn't until I walked into the sanctuary and began to pray and worship God that he took me back to my prayer those few nights ago. WOW..... I was in shock. I spoke that prayer in the comfort of my home, while everyone was sleeping and shared it with NO ONE! how was Claudia to know what I prayed? She didn't, but he did! She was obedient to the spirit and look what blessings and confirmation it brought. how much it meant to me. Beyond words, these words still not quite enough.
I am grateful for this gift from God, this confirmation. Although signs are all around, I do not feel as though I was testing the Lord because he can not tested, I firmly believe he knows my heart and cares for me. I understand that as I walk further and deeper in my walk that I will not always get these STOP signs if you will. But he knew what I needed in that moment when my soul needed filling. I urge you to follow through if the Spirit is prompting you to do something, with a lot of prayer beforehand because although It may sound absolutely ridiculous, you never know what it will mean to the person the spirit is asking you to give it to. It may just be prayer, or it may just be a word of encouragement or a physical gift. Blessings.
