Each year brings an overwhelming reminder of what is lost for a time on this earth, a reminder of the many unanswered questions that I still have. I am so grateful to serve a God who sees these innocent questions and still loves me, He knows the very innermost pains in my heart that sometimes I am to lost to see. I'm reminded that He already knows my ugly and He loves me despite that. He reminds me that He saw my pain and in place of that pain traded it for His unspeakable joy, His comfort, His peace...if only I am to daily lay my burdens and ugly at the feet of Jesus, because there is a sacrifice and obedience in being vulnerable to the one who sacrificed it all for me.
I have done a lot in my grief journey that many may never understand, even myself. But there is a purpose to every season, to every stage of my grief and I have to respect the process. I cant look on the other side of the mountain and just pray to be over there. I have to walk through the sludge and muck, I have to combat enemies of unknowns so when I reach that other side, I am the complete servant that is perfect and lacking nothing as is speaks in James. Oh how that is the cry of my heart Lord. I thank You for my journey, I thank You for testing my faith God because You saw me where I was and told me "Andrea, I love you far to much to keep you here". You are leading me on a daily path, I fall short but as ever, You meet me and fill me with more of You and remind me that there needs to be less of me. This journey You entrusted me with, my pain, my grief, my tears, my words, my life, my legacy God is for Your Glory.
Bennett, Mommy cant put into words the ways that my heart misses you and longs to hold you just one more time, to breathe you in. The way my heart cries that our journey together could not have been different, the way that you calmed me and completed that place in my heart. Your life was so precious, and i consider it pure joy to have celebrated your entrance into this world 3 years ago. I miss you, so bad it hurts.