"There in the sorrow and the dancing"

Gods Grace really struck me last night as my husband and I were putting our little's to bed. As we lay their silently to calm them down for the night. I was stroking Brooklynn's hair and thanking God for all of these pieces of my heart together in one room and missing our son which is an unspoken every second moment. We always play worship music for them to sleep to, only fitting in this house considering how much we love music and what a big roll it has played in our lives and more fitting in this last year.  Matt Redman's "Your Grace finds me" comes on and I silently start to cry. Every word of this song is anointed with truth about Gods Grace and it served in this moment as a reminder of the physically absence of our boy.

 

It's there in the newborn cry
It's there in the light of every sunrise
It's there in the shadows of this light
Your great grace

 

It's there on the mountaintop
It's there in the everyday and the mundane
There in the sorrow and the dancing
Your great grace
Oh, such grace

 

From the creation to the cross
Then from the cross into eternity
Your grace finds me
Yes, Your grace finds me

 

It's there on a wedding day
There in the weeping by the graveside
There in the very breath we breathe
Your great grace

Same for the rich and poor
Same for the saint and for the sinner
Enough for this whole wide world
Your great grace
Oh, such grace

 

From the creation to the cross
Then from the cross into eternity
Your grace finds me
Yes, Your grace finds me

There in the darkest night of the soul
There in the sweetest songs of victory
Your grace finds me
Yes, Your grace finds me

 

Your great grace
Oh, such grace
Your great grace
Oh, such grace

 

So I'm breathing in Your grace
And I'm breathing out Your praise
I'm breathing in Your grace
Forever I'll be
Breathing in Your grace
And I'm breathing out Your praise
I'm breathing in Your grace
And I'm breathing out Your praise
Breathing in Your grace
For our God, for our God

 

Yes, Your grace finds me
Yes, Your grace finds me

 

 

Everyday is a battle after the loss of something so precious in life. Yes I smile, Yes I laugh, Yes I cry, Yes I get sad. Its all apart of moving forward when you lost a piece of your heart along the way. I do get numb and have to remind myself in that second to "choose joy". People often ask "How I do it", I don't. I don't have a magic pill that I take each morning that magically makes my life easier...wouldn't that be the answer to all of life's hurts. The answer is No, as convenient as it sounds. In loss, you have to go through the highs and lows and the daily lessons and reminders. You don't get to forget, I don't get to pretend that when I get out of the shower each day that I don't see my c-section scar starring back at me that reminds me of the emptiness it brings. I don't get to hold a sweet newborn baby and not forget that I had one of these blessings too. I don't see buttons the same, everywhere I go a button reminds me of his life, a life that I don't get to raise. I cant walk into OHSU and walk the halls and smell that particular smell without having a flashback. But I do get to do all of these things knowing that Gods Grace is sufficient and in all of these memories, painful or joyful that God is my steadfast and faithful strength.

 

"Don't look to the right or the left, keep your eyes on me. You will not be shaken, you will not be moved"

 

I cant allow my circumstance to stop me from enjoying the blessings around me. I GET to go and visit a friend with a newborn and CHOOSE JOY in that moment because its not about ME, its about complete happiness for that new exhausted parent. I GET to visit my nicu mamas that walked my journey and only have complete and udder joy for them when I hold their miracles, I GET to laugh, I GET to feel, I CHOOSE to live life after loss.

 

"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born"

 

 

Gifts from an obedient heart.

This is just one of the many blessings that have come since Bennett's passing, but one that rocked me to the core and I wanted to share it with everyone because from the beginning of our journey we have been an open book and I want to continue because I believe God has called me to be during this time...I will share below. :)

A few weeks ago on a night like most have been since Bennett's passing, after my husband and kids are sleeping.  I cried, and looked at pictures of Bennett and I on our last day together. It is always emotional but sometimes its hard to process life and our circumstances until I lay my head on the pillow at night and allow my body and mind to rest from the hustle and bustle of the day to grieve. So I did that. The day was no different than any other but I was just feeling a little empty, my arms empty. I know His spirit is with me always, that He loves me, His strength is present and His grace is sufficient but this night I needed something tangible. I know God knows my heart and knows everything I need but sometimes I need to speak it with my mouth. so on that night, with all sincerity in my heart, in brokenness asked the Lord to show me a sign that he cares for me and that He was still by my side. Told him that I know that this journey had a purpose and I understood that but I needed to just be human for a min and attempt  rationalize something that couldn't be rationalized. Because his ways are not mine. I didn't ask why? I just asked for something, to ask if He loved me and if He was still listening. It was a rough night to say the least. I will admit waking the next morning that I felt a little ridiculous, like a drama queen asking the Lord this. Who am I? But I did feel a weight lifted by confessing my sincere feelings to God and was ready to start the day choosing Joy despite our new found circumstances. 

At church that Sunday, I had a beautiful young woman by the name of Claudia, who i regretfully do not know well, approached me with two other ladies from the church. She had a beautiful bouquet of white roses...I mean a lot of white roses in a stunning vase. She pulled me aside as nervous as ever. She gathered her thoughts and confessed that she didn't know why she was giving me these roses but she was prompted by the Holy Spirit to do so. It didn't make sense to me at the time either but of course I accepted them with open arms. She had her friend translate for her because her comfort level for praying was in Spanish. Which I happen to understand a little, but not when I am a crying hot mess. haha. As she began to pray over me, it was just a moment of me asking the Lord in his time to reveal to me what these meant and thanking God for her and the gift. After she concluded her prayer, her friend translated to me what Claudia heard from the Lord to me. (AS tears stream down my face at this very moment) the Lord told her that these flowers were for me, a gift, to show me how much He cares for me and how much He loves me. That He understands what I am going through and that He hand picked me for this journey. to be strong. That He knows that it may feel like a long time until I see Bennett again but to keep holding on because it is not. That I am his beloved and he wanted to show me that today through this gift. That He is there for me, that He is my strength and Peace and all I have to do is ask.  

I was in shock. In tears and grateful for the gift (but still not comprehending). It wasn't until I walked into the sanctuary and began to pray and worship God that he took me back to my prayer those few nights ago. WOW..... I was in shock. I spoke that prayer in the comfort of my home, while everyone was sleeping and shared it with NO ONE! how was Claudia to know what I prayed? She didn't, but he did! She was obedient to the spirit and look what blessings and confirmation it brought. how much it meant to me. Beyond words, these words still not quite enough.

I am grateful for this gift from God, this confirmation. Although signs are all around, I do not feel as though I was testing the Lord because he can not tested, I firmly believe he knows my heart and cares for me. I understand that as I walk further and deeper in my walk that I will not always get these STOP signs if you will. But he knew what I needed in that moment when my soul needed filling. I urge you to follow through if the Spirit is prompting you to do something, with a lot of prayer beforehand because although It may sound absolutely ridiculous, you never know what it will mean to the person the spirit is asking you to give it to. It may just be prayer, or it may just be a word of encouragement or a physical gift. Blessings.

  

Rivers of living water will flow from his heart...

Its taken me some time to be prepared to get to the point where I am prepared to share our last moments with our sweet Bennett. To wrap my mind around everything that has happened over the last 3 weeks, to listen to God and ask that my words be His words and I share exactly what needs to be shared. Its quite peaceful in the night silence and I am ready to share what is on my heart. This is a rough post because this has been a key instrument in our journey with Bennett and now that he is dancing with my Jesus, I find it so tough to think this could be my last post.


After months of Bennett fighting all odds, from highs to lows. May 16th at 3:40pm our Bennett went to be with Jesus while lying in my arms, with the whispers of me and my husband pouring our hearts, love and prayers into his ears.

That day is one I will remember the rest of my days. Chari and I fully prepared to enter the care conference to tell them they were to do EVERYTHING possible to help our son, only to realize that they had, that they were and that their "everything" was not enough. To be made aware we had no other options, that our road was not life. I remember at one point during the meeting I couldn't hear their voices any longer and I heard God asking me "how far are you willing to go to trust me? are you willing to accept that this is my plan for his life?". Tears. I remember telling myself that I just wanted to hold him and be with him and love on him. So after lots of prayer that is exactly what we did. There were so many tears involved and so many questions asked but so much peace at the same time. The peace that only God gives. Our pastor and his wife were there with us that day and they were able to be with us and pray over us with bennett and most importantly, dedicate him back to God.

Our sons heart condition went from best case scenario to worst case scenario and there was nothing that could be done. A cardiologist stated that an average baby born with his heart condition would not have survived birth. So I know that It is a miracle that God gave me Bennett for 56 days and I choose to be GRATEFUL for every second of them. He wanted to fight but his heart and body wouldn't let him. As a mother, its the most excruciating thing to see. We didn't understand it until that day, until he looked into my eyes before passing telling me without words that I could let him go and he loved me.  I got to be a mom to Bennett for that time and that is a blessing. Far to many mothers get none. Thank you God for that.

He was a fighter, such a beautiful and incredibly life saving angel from our God and my heart hurts that he is not here. What I would give to be holding him again, singing to him and caring for him. I know I will do this again, with strong belief in my heart I know this.

We never pictured this journey for our lives. Its always something you read about and pray for other families but never imagine for yourself. who would? But let me tell you, God has done some amazing work in my life through Bennett. He was my angel in more ways than one. Through Bennett God taught me to LIVE again, to be grateful, to Love deeper, to trust harder and to have faith even when the path ahead was too dark to see. I have grown up in the church and "thought"I knew God but there comes a point in I believe every ones faith journey where you wonder if God is there, if he is real, and If he even cares about you. I can say today that I no longer "think I know God". I DO KNOW GOD and I can promise without any doubts in my whole body that He IS THERE, HE IS REAL, PRESENT and HE CARES SO MUCH. It took me fully trusting him, laying my life expectations in his hands, and putting all faith in him to realize it and I only wish that I had started sooner. (better late than never )
One time since Bennett's passing have I questioned God asking him "WHY? WHY BENNETT, WHY US?" and he took me back to the day where we found out what was going on in the pregnancy, where we knew we were not to abort him but to continue the pregnancy, and I asked God to Please use us for His Glory, use Bennett for His Glory. and it was then that I realized, that we did not get the outcome we expected but we got the outcome that God panned, the outcome that he designed for our lives. My son touched peoples lives WITHOUT words. He could speak to people without words and that is because God was living in him and pouring out his love through him. How blessed I am to be a mother to such an amazing son, How undeserving I felt that God cared so much for me that he gave me Bennett, one of his angels. I was hand picked for this journey. In awe of His love for me.

I knew Bennett's life touched many, but could not quite understand how much until his passing and all the Love and support that has been out poured over this household. I have no words but thank you! Thank you so much and may God bless you as you have all blessed us.

Moving forward has been rough but I still am surrounded by angel armies giving me peace, love, and joy. I am not angry with God, I choose to see that he gave me days with Bennett when I might have had none. We will always feel like something is missing. I will always feel a sense of emptiness, but I do know that in return, God will fill and consume the deepest places of my soul with him. The enemy is out to deceive, kill and destroy and we must constantly be prepared to throw Gods counteroffers when he attempts to plant his seeds. I KNOW that we did everything there was to do for Bennett and we will not believe anything other than this. We have NO regrets. God numbered my sons days, not man.

We don't know where we will go from here but we do know that as we have in this last year will keep our eyes on our savior. I have and will have my moments of sadness which is okay, but God has been flooding my mind with the good memories of Bennett and teaching me to focus on the good I had with him rather than the fact that he is not still here. He is here in spirit and I will forever hold him in my heart and as I have shared before, believing that when I meet Bennett again, it will feel as if he never left them.

I have 3 children. 2 girls and 1 sweet, perfect, innocent and COMPLETE angel boy.



A MESSAGE FROM THE AMAZING FAMILY AND FRIENDS HELPING WITH A FUNDRAISER: The Benefit in Memory of Bennett will be held on June 14th 6-9pm: Spaghetti Dinner with silent auction tables, bake sale tables and other fundraising ideas. If you have anything to donate to the silent auction table please drop them off at either with Janice Webb At Webb Chiropractic or Kelly Long Howard at Long Bros. Lumber. Email me that you have done so please. If you have baked goods you would like to make please bring them by the Foursquare Church the night before the event or day of but please let me know so I have a price sheet ready to go for you, and space for them. There will be a car wash the next day still working on details but if you can donate your time to wash cars that would be great. email me at cindivetter@gmail.com. Share to get the word out for the event to help the Puente family in honoring the memory of Bennett and helping with their medical costs and additional expenses. You can also donate funds at any US Bank in the name of Bennett Timothy James Puente. The family and Rick Puente and I appreciate all your help. If you have any questions please call me at 503-984-3825 or email Rick at rick.puente@gmail.com

Thank you all for taking this jouney with us. I fully believe Bennett's journey will never be over, he will still be touching lives far after.

Bennett's first month on the outside!

A few days late but wanted to try and do a quick update on how our sweet bennett has done on his first month "on the outside" (when he should be in).

He has come from he may not survive after birth, to thriving, from he will most likely need to be int abated to breathing on his own with VERY LITTLE HELP, From heart conditions to we cant find any concern in this area. and so many more little areas along the way.

Professionals-0   God-to many to count!

Besides thus far beating all the odds that have been against him. Today he is growing wonderfully. Yesterday he weighed in at 2lbs 8.7oz. He is still needing a little bit of O's (oxygen-about 21-25%) and still has tachycardia. The Dr's feel it all wraps around his small size, he may be a 38 week baby but his lungs are still small so growth is very important. He "nippled" from a bottle 4 ml's yesterday which is great! Practice makes perfect, sometime this week the speech therapist will see him and I will let you all know how that went. My main focus is for him to learn to suck and we will continually practice nursing but I'm not pushing it yet. The poor boy is underdeveloped and not even suppose to be out yet. :)

So overall I believe our son is doing great. He has some amazing nurses round the clock that just adore him which makes it a little easier for me to leave him there. I am getting the hang of the rounds and am happy that I can walk in the NICU and really understand and assist his nurses with his care. Especially to give the nurses a little break to catch up on charting. :)

Bennett has such a beautiful spirit, which i know is the Lord in him. Ministering even now to everyone who works with him, even to chari and I. The connection the lord has allowed me to form with bennett in this short time is much more than a mother-son relationship....its so much more. One that I cant explain. Our life will never be the same, our life changed in January when we started attending OHSU and then even more so the moment Bennett came. But I can tell you that I am so happy it did. I feel like the lord is giving me a second chance with life, the way I perceive it, a reminder of why we are here in the first place. God has taught me a deep gratefulness for our girls, our crazy life, what we have rather than what we don't. He has helped me understand that bennett is a precious and special gift, from the moment he was formed in me!! no matter how many times professionals give us their "diagnosis", no matter how hard it gets, I am to keep pressing on without allowing it to phase me. I am not to question god why?, I am to faithfully trust this process.  Chari and I have been chosen by God to have Bennett and His WILL be done in and through his life and I can trust that because it is for a hope and future.

God has not given us an ordinary blessing but an extraordinary miracle.

Prayer requests, his growth is always a must but really ask for extra prayers in the breathing and eating department. That is really what needs to improve before he can come home. He holds his temperature wonderfully, but he needs to be eating by bottle or breast and breathing on his own with no cannula. So please help us pray in those areas. We so appreciate it

Here are some photos of the last few weeks. :)

We looovee fat!

Here we are week 3 on our journey in the NICU.

(Since friday the 5th) As some of you know Bennett is off his IV's and up to full feeds and tolerating it well! :) they have fortified it with extra calories and you are really starting to see some weight gain. It will never be acceptable to say "you need to get fat", or "I love that your getting fat and filling out" other than here in the NICU. Bennett, Benny, BT, TJ, BP, lil man or whatever you like to call him is almost 2lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1lb 15oz or 880grams!!! He has pooped alot today (he's a puente) so we think he will hit that mark by tomorrow or Friday!! (I will throw a mini party because its a BIG DEAL!) The nurses also tried feeding him by mouth yesterday (tuesday) and he took 3ml's which isn't a lot out of his 16ml's but good! The nipple was just so large for his mouth. Feeling grateful, blessed and amazed by this little guy! He's such a fighter.

Today he has been on and off his nasal cannula. So we are praying that over time, he will be fine without it. :) so far, he has been doing well and needed it at one point when I was holding him today. We couldn't be more thankful for this.

I'm amazed although I shouldn't be by Gods grace, peace, joy through this journey. We are starting to adapt to this "new norm" although we know it won't last forever. We had to transition into this time and in the same note will have to transition out when the time comes. I'm getting more familiar with how things are run and I'm sure soon will be able to do this job in my sleep! ;) jk. ( This is a tough position and pray over the medical staff daily, they are amazing.)

Gods given me this time to allow His work in my life on all levels. He's taught me through spending time here what's really important in life, he's allowed this time to look at my priorities, he's taught me to be grateful because although our situation is hard, someone has it worse and to be thankful for our version of "hard". He's taught me a deeper appreciation, love and compassion for the families of the NICU, he has brought me a passion of prayer for this field and for these people I encounter daily. And for all this I am humbled and blessed.

We really can't thank everyone enough who have stepped up to help his financially, spiritually, with meals and overall support. Continued prayers are always appreciated for all these areas below. His heart condition is not a current issue and just prayer it wont be. :) Please pray for development all around. Hearing, eyesight, weight gain, breathing. All of these things that come so naturally to a full term baby but come slower for him. Although he has continued to amaze and capture the hearts of doctors and nurses, prayers for these areas are always appreciated. :)

Here are some pics of the last few days and one from today!!! Happy 3 week birthday little man!!

Aortic stenosis what?

Here we are on Bennett's 2 week birthday. Him and all his 1lb 10.5oz glory! :) Yes yes, he has gained a whole ounce and a half since birth which is great considering his long journey with the PICC line and being poked and prodded daily. :)

This has been such a journey these last few weeks and months, but let me tell you, one I wouldn't take back. I have learned so much, built lifelong relationships and have gained so much empathy for other parents in my situation. I can walk past each pod in the NICU and smile at the other parents who I have never met because we are connected in a way that many will never understand. I can walk past these pods and pray heavily over these children's life, over their families and medical staff. I can talk and bond with mothers and offer my prayers and a listening ear to vent their fears, frustrations and experiences. And for all of this, just feel extremely honored, humbled and blessed.

Bennett is doing amazingly well. There wasn't much of a change lately but he is back on the high flow and seems to be doing a lot better breathing after the blood transfusion. (By the way that went well. I posted that on my facebook but always forget to put that here. sooo sorry)

Today I had my 2 week postpartum visit with the Dr. and all went well, incision healing nicely and they were surprised to hear I haven't taken pain meds since leaving the hospital (I just didn't see the point when my body was rejecting the medication anyway and not providing much relief). I am back to driving and will very slowly start to lift again. I am actually quite sad to be closing the chapter with the Fetal Therapy Program. All the staff have been so amazing and my husband and I will just down right miss them! Although, they wont get rid of us that easily. We send them updates and pictures often. :) We don't know how to thank them other than to continually pray over them in their professions, and over the people they encounter on a daily basis.

Ready for a SERIOUS SERIOUS praise report my friends????!!! ready? ok....

When visiting Bennett today and during kangaroo time, one of the neonatologist came bedside with me to discuss some news they received. She went on to tell me that the cardiologist preformed and echo today, the results revealed that his ductus has closed...AND THAT THERE HAS BEEN NO AFFECT OR NARROWING TO HIS AORTIC VALVE IN THE PROCESS!!!!! God is soooooooooo good to us. I just started thanking God and praising him with the Dr. right there!! This was such good news and I was just overwhelmed with happiness! I asked her if there was a chance that it could narrow over time and she told me that wouldn't be an issue, if the narrowing were to happen it would have already. She told me that the cardiologist are going to really back off at this point and preform an echo a month from now to still monitor his bicuspid valve but are overall extremely pleased with these results. They will no longer have to constantly monitor his blood pressures and can remove one of the pulse ox.

Ready for more great news....

She also mentioned that Bennett is almost up to full feeds and tolerating it well which means if he maintains (14 ml's) well (which they foresee), they will be removing his PICC (IV) in a few days and beginning to fortify my milk for his feedings!!!! :) They wont start trying to get him to feed by mouth until he has gained some weight. He cant afford any weight at the moment and needs to be continually gaining. Feeding by mouth (nursing or bottle) burns calories becuase its so much work for premies so we will eventually meet with a speech therapist who will gradually introduce him and me to the process when we all feel comfortable. At this point, we need to take one milestone at a time and I must be patient. I think I can do that. ;)

So at this point, with his heart concerns mostly behind us, we are focusing on his weight gain and getting some fat on his bones to keep him warm. we take one step at a time and at this point, we are all just so thrilled by the above news and feel thankful and blessed!

I really cant thank all of your for your continued prayers for our family. We ask for continued prayers as we meet each goal and Bennett continues to amaze us all! Through Bennett God has taught us so much about this life and we are forever grateful. I really cant stress this enough!

Below are song lyrics for Forever Reign by Hillsong. this song has been stuck in my head over the past few days. I hope it is as inspiring to you as it has been to me.

You are good, You are goodWhen there's nothing good in meYou are love, You are loveOn display for all to seeYou are light, You are lightWhen the darkness closes inYou are hope, You are hopeYou have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peaceWhen my fear is cripplingYou are true, You are trueEven in my wanderingYou are joy, You are joyYou're the reason that I singYou are life, You are life,In You death has lost its sting

Oh, I'm running to Your arms,I'm running to Your armsThe riches of Your loveWill always be enoughNothing compares to Your embraceLight of the world forever reign
You are more, You are moreThan my words will ever sayYou are Lord, You are LordAll creation will proclaimYou are here, You are hereIn Your presence I'm made wholeYou are God, You are GodOf all else I'm letting go

Oh, I'm running to Your armsI'm running to Your armsThe riches of Your loveWill always be enoughNothing compares to Your embraceLight of the world forever reign

My heart will singno other NameJesus, Jesus

Oh, I'm running to Your armsI'm running to Your armsThe riches of Your loveWill always be enoughNothing compares to Your embraceLight of the world forever reign


(Here is me and our 2 week old miracle)

Blessed...

Sorry there hasn't been much of an update, its because things haven't changed much.

Late Monday night an x-ray revealed fluid in his lungs so they took blood and sent it to the lab to check for infection but started him on antibiotics right away. They rule out infection if bacteria hasn't grown within 48 hours usually and will stop antibiotics. Today my nurse advised me they are stopping antibiotics tonight and they believe that the fluid is not an infection because he has no other clinical symptoms of it being so. They think that the fluid is related to his lungs need for extra oxygen support and put him back on the CPap, although still breathing on his own and room air. Just needs a little extra help keeping his lungs from collapsing. Its very common for babies prematurely but more so his size. I will certainly thank the lord for the Cpap and take that over the breathing tube! :) I know with time that he will not need the cpap but for now am grateful for it. Continued prayers in this area would be greatly appreciated.

In my last post I touched on the PICC line they need to insert as the umbilical line is coming up to its expiration. Today when we arrived, the nurse informed us they would be trying for the line again shortly (they had tried one time before and were unsuccessful after much searching and attempting) so we headed down to the cafeteria to eat and wait for them to be done. I prayed over the staff preforming the line and the procedure. After about 3 hours of searching and attempting again, they were unsuccessful. They explained that his skin is tough and every time they would get through the skin the vein would move and they weren't able to get it, so tomorrow they will be making an incision in his skin which will make it easier to locate the vein for insertion. Please pray with me that tomorrow's procedure is successful and quick. Third times the charm right! :) Please pray over all the staff preforming it as well, although they do this everyday, it has to be difficult to attempt 2x and be unsuccessful. I just pray tomorrow is successful and its in the lords will.

Bennett has been doing well with the diuretic and is tolerating his feeding really well. So they have upped him to 3ml's every 3 hours. :) mama is happy about this. My milk has come in, obv not as much as maybe it would be if bennett was with me all the time but I need to give my body some credit. I had my son, 6 weeks early and not the "natural way". Its going to take some time for my body to catch up.

No news on his ductus closing yet, that takes time. We ask for continued prayers in this area as this is one of the biggest concerns at the time. We are praying that when the ductus closes is causing NO NARROWING OF HIS VALVE and he is able to continue to grow and not require surgery!!!

I just have to shout from the rooftops that I just adored our staff & nurse today. All of our nurses have been wonderful but the nurse today just made me feel at home. I am still learning the In's and outs of the NICU and still learning that I am Bennett's advocate and I have a say in what goes on (although I haven't needed exercise this at all). When it comes to holding him (especially today after 3 hours of the procedure), I would do it every second but am hesitant at times because I'm adapting to my new normal of holding a 1.5 lb baby as opposed to a 7lb, not wanting to get him upset or overly tired and burn calories he cant afford, ect. My nurse today suggested Kangaroo Care without me mentioning it and got everything ready and was just so accommodating to me. It made me feel important, like I was just as apart of his care as his IVs were. :) So overall, even though it was heartbreaking to see my little man go through this procedure two times, my love tank was full from a good chunk of bonding. Resting on mommy to soothe him after his rough time.

Blessed...why? Not because everything is going our way, not because things have improved drastically overnight, not because our life has been easy these last few months. We are blessed because despite all the circumstances, God remains faithful, constant, unchanging, amazing, near, worthy. In times like these, you make a choice to find the good in it or crawl in a hole. And we choose to find the good in it, to understand the meaning of it and if we cant understand, have peace knowing that its OK if we don't. God has shown us miracles through Bennett, god has used our story and his life so far to touch many, to be a witness, How aren't we blessed?